>I am Not a Performer

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So much of where I have ‘failed’ is when I believe I must perform. I am not a performer. I am actually not a do-er.  I am a be-er.  A whisper of substance:  Greatness does not come from doing. It comes from Being.  Now that I ‘got’ this, I have no interest in doing, especially not in trying to be something I am not.

When I sit down to write ‘the book’ the writing never flows.  Why? Because my mind thinks it is ‘on’ and time to perform.  No, I now say. I have nothing to perform.  There has been great conflict inside of me because deep down I know there is nothing I have to do to be more than I am already.  I did not have this conflict in my earlier years because I wasn’t putting myself out there- into the world like I am now.  Instead I was inside of my self, dedicated to the adage of ‘know thyself.’  And why did I pursue this?  Because I wanted to feel good, and I didn’t, and I wanted to help others and I wasn’t.  
This deep desire to feel good, serve others and to ‘know thyself’, led to years of “soul excavation;” years of being with myself, allowing the internal awakening process to happen. Then the desire to move out into the world increased in intensity.  It was time to come out of myself and share what I learned.  But who would I be?  For some uninvestigated reason (at least for now) I believed I had to do something special to be someone else.  How could I just be me when the world didn’t want that.  I hold no degrees.  I have had no job. I just worked with me, and the experts out there look so polished and put together. They speak so eloquently. I am just kind of, well- me.  I don’t have fancy words or phrases.  I don’t talk in cute little sound bites.  I have struggled with my elevator speech, but who would believe me unless I sounded like the expert?  
Then, to even get out there I have to market myself- what is my tag line?  What is my title? How will I get anywhere? Who will know my brand?  My writing even took a hit and lost its depth.  The publishers and agents want to be sold.  They want a lengthy book proposal stating my target audience (why would I want to exclude anyone when my book is about unifying), the book’s competitors (why would I want a spiritual book to compete?), and my platform- do I have followers? How could I when I have spent the majority of my time learning about myself and taking care of my kids?
It feels good to get this all out because frankly, my friends I don’t care about any of it anymore. It isn’t me.  It never was.  I don’t want to market and brand myself. I don’t want to sell myself to you. I have no desire to be the expert. Simply, I want to share myself with you in the hopes that it might mean something to you. If it does, you will want more.  If it doesn’t I am not going to convince you otherwise.  Does this sound passive? Will I earn a living being this way? Will I have a following?  Make a difference in the world- if I don’t sell you on all the benefits of me?  I would like to think so.
This blog post on this day intends to free me of me- of my critical, hard-nosed thinking- thinking that never fully came from me, but from a society obsessed with itself, thinking in lack- thinking, however, I adopted because of a deep insecurity that said I am not good enough just being me- it isn’t enough.  But I am enough.  I AM.  
I AM is being. There is freedom in knowing there is nothing I must do to come alive and thrive. I AM alive and I am thriving (even if not a lot of people know my name). From aliveness comes birth- manifestations of many possibilities- all to encounter and embrace.  
Leaving you in the Space of I AM, 
Nikki
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